A friend of mine decided to leave his job after four years. The company wasn’t growing. He wasn’t growing. It was a stagnant position at best. To his amazement, after a week, he accepted an offer from a really good company. His future was now back open, but how could he tell his boss?
We talked several times before he formally gave his resignation. In the end, it ended up easier and painlessly than he anticipated. No need to push back counter offers. No hard feelings. He didn’t even need any of the advice I gave him on how to part.
In his honor, here are the things we talked about for those few hours. I hope you find them useless when you need to leave your job, but don’t know how.
Head to the store and buy a toy gun, and blood packets. You’ll need to find a gun that looks real. After that, call a friend, have him rent a stretcher and an EMS uniform. Walk into your boss’ office. Start to cry, tell him you can’t it anymore. Dial your friend and scream into the phone “Come to 123 Avenue and get me! I just shot myself!!!” After that, put the toy gun to your head, pull the trigger, and let the fake blood packets burst. Fall to the ground. After your friend rushes in and takes you away, you won’t have to worry about your job. Just have him pronounce you dead.
If that one doesn’t quite do the trick, or you can’t find a good fake gun, walk into your boss’ office, stare him dead in the eyes without emotion, and don’t stop until he lets you go. Its true, this could take several hours. After a while, he’s going to get sick of you, and toss you out.
Now if you’re worried about what you might have on the company provided PC, and you want to clean it off, this can work to your advantage. Simple pull out a sledge-hammer, and start beating your PC to death. When he/she asks what you’re doing, tell him clearing off your personal things before you’re asked to leave. Dumb founded, he’ll simply can you.
But there is always that point where just really want to say something to him, and leave. How about this. “I’ve done something so awful I cannot speak of it. I am hereby resigning as a result.” When he asks what, say you cannot speak of it, and walk out.
Are you thinking maybe that’s a little too soft? Possibly. If he might be the kind of person who would go after you, try this approach instead. “I’m sorry, but something bad is going to happen in the bathroom in 30 minutes. I’m getting out of here while I still can.” Now stand up and run out of the building as fast as you can, tear out of the parking lot in your car, and never come back. In 30 minutes they’re going to realize you made a fake threat, and won’t want you back.
Yes, that might get you into trouble. So how about this. Go to your favorite sword shop. Sure, it can be a toy. Just make sure its shiny and looks good. How about a katana? Run to the roof, stand on the edge of the building, and shout “I AM A SAMURAI WARRIOR!!!!!” Then scream incoherently until they deem you mentally unstable, and run off.
Thinking maybe that’s fun, but want something safer? No roof access perhaps? You could go into the kitchen and start a food fight. Yah, sure, people will be upset. So will your boss, who will fire you on the spot. Problem solved.
My next suggestion is one that might take some effort, and some bad food. You run into your boss’ office. Look at him, grab the trash can, and throw up. Then pull yourself together a little bit, and say to him/her “Man am I glad I won’t have to see you anymore in two weeks!” I’m pretty certain you won’t have too anymore period after that. You won’t have two weeks left with him/her.
Finally, and you might want to do this one regardless of whether you can’t resign normally or not. You should e-mail everyone in the company. Put a subject of “You guys were all great!” Then write telling ’em you’ve worked so hard the last X number of years you haven’t had time to bathe, and appreciate their willingness to leave you alone about it.
You’re now fully equipped to leave that job! No more anxiety over resignation. No more having to figure out how to say no to counter offers. Just simple methods for getting out of dodge! If you have anymore ideas, post a comment!
Dan Joseph is the CEO and head of Software Engineering of Familiaris Games. Aside from my personal flash game projects, I am collaborating with Ben Davis on multiple future projects, and writing the story and script for an upcoming AAA level RPG, modelled after the same type of game play you see in Lost Odyssey, Final Fantasy, and other Japanese-based RPGs. When I'm not developing games, I'm working as a Web Developer on various major brand web sites. You can follow me on twitter @iamdanjoseph. If you wish to contact me, please click the contact page, and fill out the form. I will get back to you as soon as I can.